Special Blessings, Special Needs

Many years ago, when I was fresh out of college, I took my first job teaching in a public school.  The entire school was a "special needs school."  I didn't apply for a special needs job.  I wanted to teach kindergarten, preferably in the neighborhood school near my home. Instead, I was in a special needs school, teaching first grade to 21 students.  I had an aide for one hour a day.  My principal had a strict policy against teachers talking with one another (I'm not kidding).  I was on my own.

Have I mentioned yet that I was 21,  I got married the first week of school, was pregnant by the end of Christmas break, and didn't have a degree in special ed? 

My friend Jan reminded me that the special ed majors had all the same classes we did except for a very few. Perhaps I could do this...The children were, with few exceptions, from very needy and broken homes.  There were days, almost every day actually, when I just wanted to take them home with me, feed them good food, give them baths, read them stories, and tuck them in bed. I definitely had classroom management problems.  The school psychologist told me it was because I was too available.  I didn't distance myself enough.  She was probably right; how do you distance yourself from need?  I could never get parent volunteers for anything from chaperoning field trips to classroom parties.  My new husband, bless his heart, was the de-facto room mother.  It was there, in the utter chaos of that sad classroom, that we decided to homeschool.

Our first child was born and eighteen months later, I was diagnosed with cancer.  That experience cemented the decision.  We were not sending this child out of our home for the better part of every day to let strangers shape his heart and mind.  There is something about being reminded that you don't know how long you have to love your child that makes you want to be certain that every day is lived according to its precious worth.

They warned us we'd probably never have another child.  Our second son was born eighteen months after I finished treatment.  Apparently, "they" didn't consult God.

This child was wired differently.  High need, certainly.  "Special needs?" I had my suspicions, but I really didn't know. We bumped along with him until he was just four.  Then, I was certain that there were special needs.  We had him tested, eager to learn if the diagnosis was Attention Deficit or Sensory Integration Disorder.  No, the reply came, there's no problem here at all.  Academically, he was right on track.  And the experts all scratched their heads at that, given that he had had no formal preschool.

We continued on, learning and living together and adding a new baby every two years.  He struggled.  Things that made most kids smile--birthday parties, theme parks, big holiday gatherings, play groups--all made him cry.  So we avoided those.  We adapted and compensated and persevered.  It just became integrated to our lifestyle. 

It took a very long time, but he learned to read.  And all along, he had been listening. He heard all the stories read aloud, all the great language and literature, and he took it all to heart. He has the soul of a poet, but simple things evade him.  And numbers are his nemesis.

With adolescence in full bloom and things like driver's ed and SATs lurking in his not-too-distant future, we decided we needed to know more precisely what his challenges are. We began this summer with a battery of tests. The scores surprised us; his deficiencies were far beyond what we'd imagined.  The tester puzzled over his "inconsistencies."

He didn't behave the way most kids did who were tested by her.  He wasn't rude or poorly behaved or non-compliant.  Despite substantial reading difficulites, he has a good grasp on stories and an amazing sense of literature. Though handwriting was literally painful and spelling evaded him, he can compose.  Boy, can he compose!  "Still," she suggested with a knowing smile and a bit of a condescending air, "you need a team to help you with your boy. He needs a special needs classroom or a special needs school."  I shuddered. She kept referring to him as "your boy," as if she couldn't remember his name. I kept nodding and blinking back tears.

Oh, but I have a team, and it's growing every day.

When I read the extensive report at home, I discovered that in some places, she did, indeed, get his name wrong.  And, I think she got him wrong. There is no doubt we have serious needs here.  But she missed the blessings entirely.  She failed to see, from her institutionalized paradigm, how well home education has served him. She missed his gifts entirely because they don't fit into her neat little boxes.  She missed my boy.

But I didn't.  And I won't.

See The Plan for Christian

Comments

[Jenn Miller]

Beautiful, Elizabeth. You have me in tears. What a blessing Christian is for you and your dh and family, and vice versa.

[Jennie C]

Elizabeth, no one knows "your boy" better than you do, and no will ever love him as well as you do, and no one will ever want to see him succeed as much as you do. I hope you learned what you needed to help him.

[Dawn]

Oh Elizabeth, this is such a beautiful post. Thank you for so eloquently describing your journey with Christian. You give me strength and inspiration for my own path with my own special blessing. We have been *so* blessed and I am honored to be part of your team. :)

[marcie]

This reminds me of my son who was misdiagnosed with mild autistic tendencies.
Have you ever heard of "WelcomeTo Holland"? It is written by Emily Perl Kinglsey. Thanks for your beautiful post about your special son.

[Rebecca]

She got him wrong because she underestimated the power of love, sensitivity and the support of a great team. All of these things, you are greatly blessed with.

[Angel]

This rings so true. I am in the process of filling out forms to have my special blessing evaluated... and holding my breath.

[Nancy Williams]

She certainly does not know the wonderful young man that is at the other end of my phone, who makes me laugh and is always filled with quick retorts.Keep doing what you believe in and use your own special team.I believe in miracles and you have seven and one half.

[Amy]

Amen, Elizabeth. Amen!

[Wendy in VA]

Another keeper. :o) I've been following Christian via your posts for years. He sounds like our 9yob in many ways... You (and the other RealLearning ladies) are an inspiration and a blessing to me. My prayers continue with you on this journey.

[Mary Ellen Barrett]

She wrote a report based upone what she perceived as his disabilities. You could write and equally long report on his abilties and the joy he brings to your life and family. He has a place here and is part of God's plan, it is not the same part as most children. Much of the difficulty in parenting Christian (and any special child) is discerning God's plan for them and giving them every possible opportunity to develop the skills they will need to get there. You and Mike will do a fine job of this.

The tester was looking at him in the context of a "school child" in that age group. You are looking at him as one of the loves of your life and the child of God he is.

Who has a better shot at getting him prepared for life?

[Cay]

Oh, Elizabeth!
I was in that same chair about seven years ago during an evaluation of my now-13-year-old opposite the school counselor.

I remember sitting there and "blinking back the tears." I didn't feel as though I had any support or knew of anyone who cared. :(

It was decided to hold Garrett back in school.
We brought him home to hs shortly after.

You have cemented what I've felt all along. We have chosen the best school. :)

[Rhonda]

What a beautiful post. We just started the homeschool journey with my Asperger son back in January after 3.5 years of trying to fit him into the school mold. Having him home has been such a blessing for him and all of us. I just wish we had done this from the beginning.

[Meredith]

I'm bawling too!! Elizabeth I'm just now getting to read this and I am so thrilled you had this experience to know in your heart that you have been doing the right thing for your sweet Christian all along. Isn't it ironic how the "system" thinks they know so much better what's right for our children. God Bless you and your dear family on this new and exciting journey! I'm proud to be part of your support network!

[Karen Thompson]

If homeschooling is good for average kids, how much more so for those who don't fit the molds? My 6.5 yo ds has some delays and would now be compartmentalized in school, made to feel "less than special" IYKWIM, and my almost 5 yo dd is jumping ahead in some areas and would be bored - how much they enjoy and love being together for learning! Keep doing what you're doing, Elizabeth!
What did children with LD do before the gov't decided to "fix" them? They may have struggled in school, but they were often taught by parents on the side, and they learned to use the talents they did have, in art or music or mechanics, etc.

[michele]

As a homeschooling mom of a daughter diagnosed with asperger's syndrome, I know
just what you're talking about. The experts were so busy dealing with the setbacks, that they never saw her true gifts.

[thebizofknowledge]

Elizabeth, as an educator, I was appalled by the story of your early teaching experience. I can't believe that principal barred teachers from conferring with each other! Anyone who's taught knows how challenging it is and how much support is needed to get through it all. Glad you made it through!